Archive for ‘Dealing with Fear’

February 13th, 2012

Did I Make the Right Decision?

I used to admire friends who could end a relationship when everything was still hunky dory because they knew it wasn’t the right one for them. It was a strong indication of their ability to follow their instincts and trust their own intuition.

I have always been a doubter trying to practice a little more faith. But recently all that leaning I was doing on the side of stability and security made me feel stuck. It also made me feel like a coward.

How could I possibly keep blogging here about courage, if I was living life with my tail between my legs?

So after 6 months of hemming and hawing and feeling stuck, I decided to do something CrAzY!

I decided to follow my dreams, listen to my intuition and abandon that little voice inside my head that said, “Who do you think you are?!” And I did it anyway.

After two years of loving my job at Psych Central (I was even recently mentioned in this article about my work for the company), I decided it was time to say goodbye. And I did it the careless way, the way people say you should never do it. I quit without a backup (with just a few gigs-a.k.a. my column with The Writer magazine and my biweekly blogs for Psych Central).

I decided I wanted to return to writing and not just editing. I wanted to stop being afraid and take a big risk. And so I did.

Making the Right Decision is Scary

Although I think I made the right decision, the process was still scary. I had no excuses, no upcoming jobs and a lot of self-doubt. I realized then that I DEFINITELY made the right decision. Why?

I was catching up on old Oprah’s Lifeclass reruns when I heard Iyanla Vanzant talk about self-growth. She said humorously and truthfully:

“If you’re not living your life at such a certain level, you have some fear, you’re living too small. If you don’t have some trembling then you’re living too small…If pee is not running down your leg, you are living too small because that means you’re in control and you’re too comfortable and you can handle it. When you are comfortable, you are not growing.”

Then guess what happened?

I saw a job ad for a writer/editor position. But not just any position. It was for a company that I had been dreaming about writing for since I began full-time freelancing, about 5 years ago. I subscribed to all of their email newsletters and tweet their posts. I have been waiting for an opening for a very long time. And there it was. I was afraid and applied anyway.

I received a call two days later. I found out that the position was in-house and since moving to Virginia wasn’t on our agenda, I was pretty disappointed. But decided to ask if maybe there were other opportunities available in which I could write telecommute instead.

Can you guess what happened next?

Yep. They had an opening for a blogger position on their health website. And they had been looking for awhile. I couldn’t believe my luck. Or faith? Or intuition?

So I have my own column there and you’ll be able to read about emotional health and wellness 4 days a week on my new blog Happy Haven! I’ll still be posting here, my writing site and my column for The Writer too. Hope to connect with you on one of the them soon!

CategoryDealing with Fear, Inspired Life | Comment5 Comments »

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January 16th, 2012

Be Shameless

{via pinterest originally from waveavenue.com}

There’s been something weird going on with me lately. Or maybe it’s been like this for awhile. I noticed that every time I create something, I have a tinge of something. Something that comes from a deep place, but difficult to put my finger on.

Then, I started getting signs of what it could be. I was watching The Rosie Show the other day where she devoted an entire segment to the show Shameless. The word carried so much meaning with it. It stayed with me and haunted my thoughts for awhile.

And then I was thumbing through Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way and landed on page 67 on Shame. She says:

“Those of us who get bogged down by fear before action are usually being sabotaged by an older enemy, shame.”

While she says that art actually shines a light on shame, the wounds we carry from our childhood tends to gloss over that. Shame comes from our parents who wanted to keep us from coloring outside the lines. It comes from our friends who taunted us for being weird. It comes from those who wanted to keep us in the norm so that we couldn’t threaten them with our own innate power.

And as adults we keep slipping right on over it. Every time we create something, we are walking on that tight rope again. Will someone think our creation is less than? Will they think, “How dare she think she’s talented?” Or, “Who does she think she is for creating that?”

It’s a deep-rooted fear that haunts me whenever I write a post, send out a tweet, or share an update on Facebook. It’s the fear that someone will point me out and claim that I am a fake.

How to be Shameless

In the end, while feeling shame is common in creating, I realized that I don’t want to live this way anymore. Instead of repressing the hurt that comes from shame or telling yourself that it doesn’t matter, that your art doesn’t matter, why not embrace a life of shamelessness?

What does this mean?

It means telling your inner voice that:

1. you are courageous

2. that their negative review doesn’t sum up your life

3. that your art is simply an expression, not an extension of you

4. that your own way of creating is special and you don’t have to seek the approval of others to know this

5. that you are worthy just for the sake of being alive.

*The winner of this happiest book giveaway is Cory Clay. Congrats Cory! Let me know what you think of the book.

CategoryDaily Inspirations, Dealing with Fear | Comment6 Comments »

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December 12th, 2011

The Missing Piece

{via colettepaperie from Etsy}

I’ve blogged about finding your calling here and here. But it seems as though I missed the boat when it comes to helping you find your dreams.

After you’ve discovered what you want. And you’ve thought about it. Wrote about it. Did what Eat, Pray, Love author Elizabeth Gilbert does every day and write what you really, really, really want in your journal. Took all the steps to get to it. Marketed yourself. Educated yourself. Networked yourself crazy. But you are still here.

Waiting.

Praying.

Wondering.

Doubting.

Cause you’re still not where you want to be…

Maybe you’re starting to think taking that e-course would have been the way to go or that you shouldn’t have turned down that job offer you had recently. What’s taking SO long?! And why oh why haven’t you gotten there yet?!

I am an impatient person so I totally understand what you’re going through.

But the truth of the matter is the greatest obstacle that could be standing in the way of your dreams is…Y-O-U!

If you’ve ever questioned your talent, doubted your efforts, find yourself wondering if you’re really worthy of ______ (happiness, success, love, etc.), then you’re the one who’s holding yourself back.

The missing piece is you. It’s always been you.

It’s not your father, your teacher, your difficult client, your children, your siblings, your uncompassionate friend, your unsupportive spouse.

It’s you.

You are unfortunately and fortunately the thing in the way of your dreams.

And the only way you’re going to get there is to stop blaming others and start healing yourself.

How do you do that?

1. Bully yourself with love. When your thoughts are filled with negative self-talk, overpower them with positive words of self-love.

2. Remind yourself of what you’ve already accomplished. When faced with a new opportunity, you may automatically respond with the thought: “I can’t do that.” Tell yourself, “I already have.” Remember all the impossible feats you’ve already overcome.

3. Visualize yourself already there. Sometimes the fear that we can’t do something, sabotages our efforts. Visualizing that we’ve already achieved what we’re afraid of somehow makes the tasks seem less intimidating.

4. Remember why you want it. Focusing on why you’re doing what you’re doing can help alleviate some of the anxiety associated with success. If you’re intention is to help others, you will be less likely to shirk away from that next project because you’re focused on a larger goal.

5. Practice patience. When we are wounded, we put a band-aid over the sore spot to give it time to heal. It’s the same with our soul. Sometime it takes times to be where want to be. Have patience that you will get there. In the meantime, work on loving yourself. Work on healing the wounds of insecurity, rejection, unworthiness with love, acceptance, understanding.

Eventually, a new door will open. The question is, “Will you be ready for it?”

CategoryDealing with Fear, Finding Your Purpose, Following Your Dreams, Inspired Life | CommentNo Comments »

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November 3rd, 2011

What’s Scary About Being Creative

 {Thanks @kristinoffiler for your Facebook comment that inspired this 4:06 pm in the afternoon spontaneous post!}

I was rambling on Facebook yesterday about more things I fear. Maybe it’s Halloween that’s started the domino affect or the several hours a day I spend reading psychology articles on anxiety and depression. But I’ve been talking a lot about the things that scare me lately.

That’s when Kristin gave me a good book recommendation for Spirit Junkie: A Radical Road to Self-Love and Miracles. I did a digital thumb through and read about how the author Gabrielle Bernstein interpreted fear. In it she says,”I’ve learned that much of what I feared in my life was not frightening at all, or in many instances even real. I’ve learned that fear is simply an illusion based on past experiences that project onto the present and onto the future.”

It’s an interesting and provocative statement. And I agree on many levels.

While I wouldn’t say that every fear is attached to a past negative experience, I do believe that fear like any other emotion, stems from a purpose. It’s in our DNA to have fear as a way to protect ourselves. Over time that defense mechanism could have developed because of past experiences of feeling rejected, abandoned, criticized. The important thing is being able to weed out the real fears (the kind that can save your life) from the illogical and unnecessary ones (the ones that can ruin your life).

A lot of creative people have fears. Fears about their art being not good enough, not worthy, of being rejected. It’s the same kind of fears that I face when I create something. Or hopefully and more importantly after I create something.

Fear + creation = debilitation

Creativity – fear = Creation.

What I think Bernstein is talking about and what Martha Beck says in her February 2006 O magazine article below is that learning to deal, confront, have acceptance for your fears is what can render those fears powerless. They are always going to be there. It’s the way we respond to them that can change everything.

“Once we’re willing to confront our emotional suffering, we begin making choices based on attraction instead of aversion, love instead of fear. Where we used to think about what was “safe,” we now become interested in doing what seems right or fun or meaningful or ripe with possibilities.” – Martha Beck

I think what was so triggering for me about this topic is that I am a proponent of fear.

When I was in high school, I was extremely shy and introverted. But I tried out for our school play. I had just a small dancing part, but it was one of the best and most exciting experiences of my life.

As an introvert, the experience gave me butterflies in my stomach. Every night I put on my blue and white striped knit dress and tights, powdered my nose and lacquered on bright red lipstick to my lips. Ever night I told my play-mates how nervous I was. Except for that one night.

One night I was cool as a cucumber. Didn’t have a care in the world. The butterflies were gone. My palms were dry. My heart beating at a meditative level. You can guess what happened next. I messed up big time. Unfortunately it was the night a few local celebrities were watching in the crowd and it was the only night videotaped.

That was a big lesson for me.

I learned that when you have the right amount of adrenaline and fear in your system you’re more alive and present because you care.

Why Am I So Passionate About This?

I think fear can be your friend. I think fear can teach you about who you are right now and where you’d like to be in the future. I think fear is the brother of courage-you can’t have one without the other. I’m cautious about ridding myself and eliminating any emotion for the “fear” of it being repressed. A lot of the issues I see from others and myself stem from a denial or a lack of acknowledgment of negative emotion. When we can learn to embrace what we truly feel, when we can truly listen to what it is we’re feeling and accept it, we’ve essentially released the ghost and the power it has over us and over our lives.

CategoryCreativity, Dealing with Fear | CommentNo Comments »

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October 31st, 2011

Facing the Things You Fear Most

 

H-A-P-P-Y                                          H-A-L-L-O-W-E-E-N! 

{pinterest photo. from reddit.com.}

In case you didn’t know, I’m a bit of a scaredy cat. I’m scared of oogly googly things like spiders, snakes, cockroaches. And I’m scared of loud noises like fireworks, balloons popping, gun shots and suspenseful movies.

I think in my former life I was a rabbit. I startle easy and like to be in quiet places.

But of all the things there are in the world to worry about, the thing that scares me most is not fulfilling my purpose.

It’s the thing that keeps me up late at night, that inspires me to keep working, to look for clues, to hunt down any inkling of desire I might have.

Because as you know, just when you think you know everything something changes to prove you wrong. 

I once heard that you’ll never stop wanting until you’re dead. That hopefully means we have a lot of wanting left in our lives. It means that there is no age limit on dream-seeking. That the only thing keeping you from pursuing your dreams is the limitations you create in your mind.

Yesterday, I was in yoga lying down in corpse position {ironic name} when these lines popped into my mind:

 

i am just a small spirit,

spinning, pulsating brightly through the limitations of this flesh covered body.

as an entity it is strong,

together with my soul it is powerful.

i extend a light through its fingers and twinkle its toes and experience what it’s like to be sensitive to sound, vulnerable to pain, and to feel both connected and disconnected at once.

it is fear and pain,

pure awareness abound.

a blessing to be awake, a gratitude to experience what it is to be alive.

it’s when the intensities too great,

when the light from spirit is low,

that’s when i long for respite,

to retreat to the sweet pleasantries of nothingness

to crawl out of this weak, all feeling body.

but it is with knowledge, with unexpected strength,

a treasure trove of goodness despite pain, despite discomfort, despite fear

that i keep my light flowing, courageously extending my glow, my energy,

my inner brilliance,

though it wax and wanes like a candle fragile to the wind,

i take the chance

because i remember

that in the end

it is worth it…

That poem was melding in my brain and it just rolled on out. To me, it means: Yes. Life is scary. Life is uncomfortable, awkward, painful, devastating, and disappointing. But it is also beautiful, hopeful, exciting and gives us the opportunity to grow, to feel and to change.

As you prepare for your Halloween party, fixing up some sweet treats and getting into your costumes, I hope you’ll remember that. Maybe the things that scare us are not so scary after all. Maybe they are just lessons waiting to be learned.

CategoryDaily Inspirations, Dealing with Fear, Finding Your Purpose, Following Your Dreams | Comment5 Comments »

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September 26th, 2011

Waiting for a Guarantee

via pinterest. {original from bravegirlsclub.com}

“I used to worry, ‘What is the meaning of life? What should I be doing with my life?’ Now I see that maybe you don’t even really know why you’re doing something or what the meaning is. It’s just something you’re doing.”

- Jerry Horovitz, small publishing house Amber Lotus sole proprietor. From Carol Adrienne’s The Purpose of Your Life.

When are we ever sure we’re on the right path? Heck sometimes I’m not even sure if I chose the “right” restaurant for dinner, let alone know whether I’m doing the best when it comes to choosing a career or a place to live.

But is there really any guarantees in life?

The real threat is the impact making a wrong decision has on our ego. How much will you beat yourself up, for example, if you decide not to quit your day job or if you decide to? Being an adult means that any mistakes we make is ours and ours alone. When the buck stops, it stops right in front of you. And how you handle that is probably congruent to how afraid you are and how indecisive you might be.

That quote above by Horovitz is telling of a wise man who’s live to tell the tale. A few sentences later he says:

“Maybe you don’t see the purpose until later…Most of the time our work is probably a reflection of what we are working on inside ourselves.”

I wholeheartedly agree. Of course, a part of me wishes that I didn’t need to work as a research assistant, a PI or a therapist before I finally gave into my childhood dream of being a writer. But in retrospect, I hardly think that the person I was ten years ago was ready or experienced enough to do the jobs I’m currently doing today. All that experience has shaped me as a writer. It’s taught me how to fail miserably, pick up the pieces and keep going. It’s given me research skills and taught me the importance of patience. And of course, life experience = great fodder for a writer.

I write this to you who feel lost right now.

These random nonsensical paths you are making have purpose even if you can’t see the end of the tunnel yet. Sometimes we don’t know why we’re in a dead-end job or feel stuck in a location we hate. But maybe this is a reflection of what’s going inside of you. Maybe instead of berating ourselves for being indecisive or consistently making the wrong decisions, what if we were to completely accept and respect where we are now?

Life is not like math class. There is no right and wrong answer. All we can ever do is to guess and hope we guessed well. And even then when we think we made the best choice possible, well sometimes that’s not enough. That’s okay too.

Feel free to make “mistakes” in this universal class called life. And when you inevitably do, try not to be so hard on yourself. Remember you don’t know the outcome yet. Maybe you are on a different path than you planned, but this one is leading toward healing, teaching you how to accept your mistakes or giving you the opportunity to grow courage so that you can eventually live your dreams. Don’t rush the process. And above all, realize that whether you’re deciding between Italian or Chinese or you’re making a decision to change your life, you will get another chance. Let go of the pressure to be perfect and release the severity of the decision. We’re built to deal with the consequences either way.

Good luck!

I’m betting we’ll all be okay.

{Still don’t know what to do? Get great practical advice from Goodlife Zen on increasing your chances of making the “right” decision.}

CategoryDealing with Fear | Comment5 Comments »

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August 26th, 2011

You’re That Much Closer to Making a Decision

via @Sandra Vanderbeck Heyrich on Pinterest. originally from youaremyfave.com.

Make Conscious Decisions

When fearful, our options seem limited but when we are at peace, more possibilities open up.  Go over your list of what ifs again and see if you can incorporate a more balanced list of the best and worst scenarios possible.  Then talk to love ones about what you would do in each situation and the choices you do have.  There may be options you overlooked and friends and family may be able to put your situation in perspective.  Sometimes our greatest worries begin to dissipate once we begin expressing them.  Lastly, give yourself a timeline.  Create a goal for yourself and make conscious clear decisions about where you want to go in your life and when.

Befriend Your Fears

We often perceive fears as our greatest enemy, yet they provide us with an enormous opportunity for self-growth.  What if we were to see them as friends who want to help us become a better person, a person who isn’t afraid to be more of who we really are?  Let your fears help you instead of hurt you by asking them, “Why are you here?  What are you trying to teach me?”  Then, write down what comes to you.  You may be surprised by the answers.  My fear of moving told me its purpose is to help me make a conscious decision about what I want to do with my life.  Instead of relying on external events to decide things for me, I am forced to be responsible and accountable for my own actions.  Thinking of my fears as a friend has made decision-making less scary to me because I know that even my so-called worst enemy, has my best interests at heart.

I believe that every situation, especially the challenging ones, provides us with an opportunity to grow as a human being, if we let it.  At the surface, change and the unknown, a seemingly daunting duo are actually disguises for two loving teachers who really want us to transform into the strong, authentic and powerful people that we already are.  The sooner we’re able to get that, the sooner we’ll be free to truly live our lives.  And although I’m still in the midst of the unknown, uncertain about if and when I’ll ever move back to my home state, I seek comfort in knowing that either way I will be okay.

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