I have a confession to make. One of my favorite indulgences is diving into old diaries. I flip through pages like I’m reading a best-selling novel, staying up late at night to finish them. Once I grew so desperate and frustrated, I took a pair of scissors and cut open the front cover of one of my diaries because I didn’t have the patience to find the diary key.
Why am I so bonkers over 20 years worth of my own life story?
There’s a jewel in there. It’s the troubled, lost, girl who was trying to find her way through heartbreak, identity-crisis and confusion, or in other words life. When I read about her first love and then break-up, I have compassion there. I want her to succeed. I want her to love herself more than some dumb guy. I want this time to be different. And somehow I keep reading hoping to find that ray of sunshine-the courage, certainty and confidence I’m happy to wear now.
Although I’m usually disappointed and know how this story ends, I still read and reread, hoping to find some nugget of “me.” Maybe this time she’ll do what’s right for her. Maybe this time she’ll realize that she deserves more.
I think about who that girl was. I look through old photographs and see her smile. Think about how beautiful she was and how she didn’t know it.
I know she’s me. But she’s a me I’ve long forgotten. When I reread old diaries, I reconnect with her. I have compassion for her and love her. I’m grateful because it’s her shoes that got me here.
It’s weird and yet so true.
Have you ever walked back in your own shoes?
Thought back to who you used to be and what you used to believe.
One thing that rereading my diaries has taught me is that all so-called problems have happy endings. If you are patient enough and if you are kind to yourself, work hard on being more of you, you’ll get there. I only had a handful of pages to wait until my prayers were eventually answered.
The next time you’re feeling despair, remember how far you’ve already come, how much you’ve already endured. When you turn around and look back, you’ll see that you’ve already climbed that mountain and survived it. You just need to remember and have the courage to meet it once again.
photo via incurable_hippie
Friday, May 28th, 2010, 1:57 am | 
Inspirational Stories, Stories of Gratitude | 
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May 29, 2010 at 8:37 am
Wow, Brandi, I absolutely love this post! This has to be one of my favorites.
It’s so powerful and so inspiring. I can completely relate to wanting to go back to my younger self and tell her not to worry what others think, that she was beautiful then – and, like you wrote, that she deserved so much more, sooo much more. This is such a beautifully written and thoughtful post.
Thank you.
BTW, I’m so happy we met through Psych Central, too!
May 29, 2010 at 2:14 pm
Hi Margarita! Oh I’m so glad you liked it! Thanks so much for the compliment too. It’s funny because I wish I could have told my younger self to be patient, be kind to yourself. But I almost think I had to walk that road in order to grow, you know?
May 30, 2010 at 11:04 am
I do know what you mean. But I also feel like I still would’ve learned similar lessons and become much stronger by being kinder and standing up for myself.
May 31, 2010 at 7:42 pm
Hi Margarita!
Yes definitely. I guess the only thing we can do now is to do it now-be kind and stand up for yourself. =)
June 1, 2010 at 8:50 am
Great point!
The best thing to do is not to dwell on past experiences, but to use them as learning opportunities.