I have a confession to make. One of my favorite indulgences is diving into old diaries. I flip through pages like I’m reading a best-selling novel, staying up late at night to finish them. Once I grew so desperate and frustrated, I took a pair of scissors and cut open the front cover of one of my diaries because I didn’t have the patience to find the diary key.
Why am I so bonkers over 20 years worth of my own life story?
There’s a jewel in there. It’s the troubled, lost, girl who was trying to find her way through heartbreak, identity-crisis and confusion, or in other words life. When I read about her first love and then break-up, I have compassion there. I want her to succeed. I want her to love herself more than some dumb guy. I want this time to be different. And somehow I keep reading hoping to find that ray of sunshine-the courage, certainty and confidence I’m happy to wear now.
Although I’m usually disappointed and know how this story ends, I still read and reread, hoping to find some nugget of “me.” Maybe this time she’ll do what’s right for her. Maybe this time she’ll realize that she deserves more.
I think about who that girl was. I look through old photographs and see her smile. Think about how beautiful she was and how she didn’t know it.
I know she’s me. But she’s a me I’ve long forgotten. When I reread old diaries, I reconnect with her. I have compassion for her and love her. I’m grateful because it’s her shoes that got me here.
It’s weird and yet so true.
Have you ever walked back in your own shoes?
Thought back to who you used to be and what you used to believe.
One thing that rereading my diaries has taught me is that all so-called problems have happy endings. If you are patient enough and if you are kind to yourself, work hard on being more of you, you’ll get there. I only had a handful of pages to wait until my prayers were eventually answered.
The next time you’re feeling despair, remember how far you’ve already come, how much you’ve already endured. When you turn around and look back, you’ll see that you’ve already climbed that mountain and survived it. You just need to remember and have the courage to meet it once again.
photo via incurable_hippie
