Archive for ‘Facing Fears’

June 5th, 2009

Giving It All Up Ain't So Bad

You know the saying, “One door opens as another one closes,” or “let go and let God?” In the moment of surrender, our once empty hands often become filled with a life better than we had planned. Yet, in moments of despair all we want to do is hold on tight, grasping anything and everything around us.

When there is nothing visible in front of us, we can either blindly and courageously take the next step or we can turn around and return to the path we’ve already crossed. Each step either gets us that much closer to our goals or that much further away.

Recently, I spoke to a friend who decided to finally let go of a job that was holding her back. Although she was applying to other positions left and right, it was only after she made up her mind to resign from the former position, that a better offer came along.

I’ve heard this story multiple times before. It’s the story of how when Oprah finally surrendered and let go of her expectations to be in The Color Purple, that she scored the role.  Or how a guest on her show said he “gave up” on his dream that Oprah would see his performance in Chicago and then Gayle King showed up instead.

Sometimes the right decision is the one that is the scariest, that pulls us uncomfortably out of our comfort zones and face our own insecurities and self-doubt. Only when we let go, surrender and have faith will that unseen force materialize supporting our next step towards our dreams.

Sunset

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June 3rd, 2009

Facing Your Fears of Failure

I had a nightmare this morning.  I can’t remember the details but the main character in my dream, a monster made up of all hands was clear.  I was frightened by it and when I woke up realized its significance.  It represented failure.  

It got me thinking about the importance that the fear of failure plays in our life.  Sometimes our fear is so strong that it prevents us from fulfilling our dreams and ends up sabotaging our lives.  What can we do to combat our fears so that they don’t end up controlling us?

1.  Awareness.  Being clear about what our fears are is the first step.  Whether you do this through counseling, journal writing, or self-reflection through meditation, achieving an understanding of what it is you’re really afraid of is key.

2.  Befriend fear.  I used to have a reoccurring childhood dream that some kids were chasing me.  I told my dad about it and he said, “Did you know that you can control your dreams?  Next time, before you go to sleep, imagine a better ending and dream something good.”  I did just that and you know what?  That night, I dreamed that the two kids were chasing me to give me an ice cream cone.  Know that while fear is always present in our lives, we can control our reaction to it.  Instead of running away, focus on what the fear is trying to tell you and face it, you never know what gifts you’ll get out of that.  

3. Do your research!  Sometimes fear happens when we don’t have enough information.  Instead of focusing on failure, focus on the things you can do and the steps you can take to get you toward success.

4.  Fail.  We’re so afraid of failing so I say fail!  Yeah that’s right!  We need to get comfortable with failure so that it’s not so scary and so that it has less power over us.  Whether this means trying something you’re not good at, or playing out what would happen if you failed in your mind, taking the shock factor out of failure, may transform that big scary monster into something less intimidating.

5.  Take action!  The best way to deal with fear?  Do something!  If you’re afraid of failing at starting a business, for example, go out and talk to people who have succeeded.  Or are you afraid of failing an exam or presentation?    Then, spend time practicing.  The more time you spend taking action, even if small ones, the less chance you’ll be stuck paralyzed by fear.

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May 27th, 2009

Cash in On That Beginner's Luck

I realize that not everyone loves to start from the beginning.  But on the contrary, I absolutely LOVE trying new things!  Maybe it’s my inherent curiosity or my low tolerance for sameness and routine or my grandmother’s advice to me as a kid “to always learn something new” but I’m addicted to being a novice.  It has taken me from belly dancing to sky diving and from pilates and yoga to zumba and inline skating.  I’ll almost try anything at least once.  There are others however, who cringe when I invite them to try it for themselves for sameness breeds familiarity and comfort.  In contrast, trying something new can bring up unconscious fears like the fear of humiliating one’s self or the fear of not being good at something.  So here’s a few tips on how to lay those fears at rest for those of you contemplating starting a new career or just a new hobby.

1) Learn to laugh at yourself!  When I tried belly dancing for the first time, I was nervous especially since we had to bare all and expose something I’d rather keep hidden, my belly.  All that nervousness transformed into giggles, however, when I stopped taking myself so seriously and had a good laugh at myself in the mirror.  It not only helped relieve some of my nervousness and fears, but it also worked my abs and reminded me that no matter what I was doing, the most important thing was that I had a good time doing it!

2) Ask questions.  When you’re trying to learn something new, it’s important to ask a lot of questions.  It’s a great way to get to know the subject as well as get to know other people. 

3) Take advantage of being a beginner.  The great thing about being a beginner is that people won’t expect you to be great at it.  This means whether you’re starting a new job or learning how to skate, it’s totally okay for you to “mess up.”  People will expect you to fall so don’t be so hung up about being perfect.  I really think that this is the best time to learn how to make mistakes and learn from them.

4) See life through the eyes of a child.  Remember the kind of awe you used to feel when you tried something new?  Well you can experience it again as an adult.  While you’re experiencing that new hobby, try to let yourself go and remember what it was like when you were an extremely curious kid exploring the world.

5) Don’t be so hard on yourself.  This means don’t compare yourself with others.  I’ve noticed how newbies react when they join a new exercise class for the first time.  There’s fear in their eyes.  I’ve also been through this several times.  You often feel like the world is watching your every move.  What I’ve learned is that no one cares about what you’re doing cause they are too busy with themselves.  So don’t be so hard on yourself.  You’ll eventually pick up the steps but we all start from somewhere.

6) Baby steps!  If you’ve spent most of your life eating the same things, going to the same places and avoiding anything and everything that’s new, you might want to start off small. Maybe you might try eating at an ethnic restaurant or taking a class with a friend, that way the experience won’t seem too overwhelming.  Start off small and with time you’ll be a novice expert like me!

parasailing

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May 26th, 2009

Befriend Envy

Jealousy can be a hard pill to swallow.  It makes our stomachs turn, our hearts beat and gives us an overall bad feeling about ourselves.  When other people do well, we shouldn’t be envious or should we?

I’d say the best way to deal with feelings of jealousy is to embrace it.  That may sound odd but being envious is actually a good indicator of what may be missing in your life.  I use it as a barometer for what goals I need to work on and what’s important to me.  

Try it.  The interesting thing about envy is that you won’t have the same reaction to everyone and everything.  Pay attention to what it is that’s making you envious and you’ll get a good clue about what you need to focus on for yourself.  For example, your next door neighbor’s good news about being promoted might not do anything for you but hearing your co-worker just ran a marathon might get your jealous juices flowing.  That’s also good news for you because it may push unconscious desires to the surface where you can work on obtaining them.  So the next time you start to look a little “green with envy,” don’t try to wash those feelings away.  Instead, stop, take inventory, and go out and grab those things you desire for yourself!

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May 16th, 2009

Faith Keeps One Foot in Front of the Other

DSC04689

I had a lightbulb moment when I realized that ALL people regardless of social status and class, go through moments of uncertainty.  

Though it’s easy to get lost in the familiar tunes of “woe is me,” it also doesn’t really suit your cause.  If your cause is to fulfill your dreams.  I just got this a few days ago as I was typing away thinking about how that BIG space in front of me that points to my future was still empty and I still didn’t understand how I would get from where I was standing to where I wanted to be.  I started to fantasize about all of the successful people in my life and the ones on TV and thought about how they were so lucky that they had life figured out and didn’t need to think about these things like me.  And then it hit me!  They still had challenges like everyone else but maybe that mountain in front of them is that much bigger because they had already climbed all those bunny slopes before then.  What a wake up call that was.  

I thought about Oprah’s story the one that she tells of not knowing whether she could make it on TV and the funny moment when she pronounced Canada CON-YA-DA and started laughing live on camera.  That’s when they put her on a morning talking show and in an instance she knew that that’s what she was meant to do.  It reminds me a lot of hiking.  When you see that mountain up ahead, sometimes it’s hard to struggle and put in the effort especially when there are days you doubt whether you’ll make it.  But I realized that all you need to do when your in moments of self-doubt and uncertainty, is do what Finding Nemo’s Dory says, “Just keep swimming…” and somehow that blank empty space in front of you will transform into steps, tiny at first, but then it’ll become clearer and more certain and soon you’ll be there-right at your goal!

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May 11th, 2009

Riding the Roller Coaster of Life

DSC04751I was off on another mini adventure this weekend, and this time it was with my favorite mouse.  Yes me and the hubs headed to one of our favorite destinations, Disneyland, for the upteenth time.  Though we had tons of fun riding my all time faves like Pirates and Big Thunder, it was a different kind of magic that befell me and that inspires me to write this entry.

It all starts with my love of roller coasters.  Let’s just say though I can’t get enough of them, they scare me to death.  Even though I’ve ridden Matterhorn and Big Thunder Mountain a hundred times, I always get stricken with fear right before I get on.  My husband thinks it’s funny that, for example, I always look down when approaching the gigantic mechanical snake in Indiana Jones because I’m too scared to look at it, or that I get so nervous before any ride even though I’ve been on it a thousand times.  But here’s what’s so magical about it.  I realized that these “rides” were symbolic of CHANGE in my life.  Right before I get on, there’s a lot of waiting which leaves time for anticipation.  And questions such as, “Can I handle this?  What if I don’t like it?” make my palms sweat and my heart beat faster.  I start to question whether or not I’m prepared for it.  Then, I began to doubt myself.  Wouldn’t it be easier, for example, if I just stuck with something safe like, “It’s a Small World”?  Sure, it may be a big bore, but at least I know what I’m in for.  Yet, though there are enough excuses not to try, there’s only one reason why you should.  Because life isn’t supposed to be about predictability and safety.  Life is about living.  It is hard and it is challenging but it is meant to be fully lived.

And so in the end, I always take the plunge.  Although I’m afraid of the challenge, I can’t risk what I’d be missing.  And the result?  Well it’s a lot like life.  You feel the fear and adrenaline as you climb, but when you let go and move with the flow, it produces the most awesome kind of ride.  The kind where you feel alive.  While I was racing through the dark in sharp turns and unexpected dips, I screamed until my voice was hoarse but I was laughing at the same time, and I realized that this joy I was experiencing was not just the magic of Disney’s Magic Kingdom but that it was also about that magical little gift that we call life.

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April 28th, 2009

Courage

“The only courage you really need is to live the life of your dreams.”

-Oprah Winfrey

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April 27th, 2009

Taking the Big Leap

John and Sherry did it when they decided to go from advertising copywriters of a well-known ad agency to Sherry working full-time on their delicious blog This Young House.  David Wroblewski nailed it when he went from successful software programmer to first time best-selling novelist of The Story of Edgar Sawtelle.  What do they have in common?  They took that big leap into the world of the unknown.  

At every fork in the road, we have two choices: we can either take the easy road and save our dreams for a rainy day or we can venture out even before we feel ready to meet fear head on and take that leap.  Before I started writing again, I thought that I had to wait for something, for permission, a sign, anything, to make sure I was on the right path.  What I learned was that to do something you want to do…you actually have to do it!  What a concept.  The difficult part, however, is to deal with the fears that starts to come up when you want your dream to be more than something that happens when you’re asleep.  Questions like, “Will I be good enough?” start to creep up.  Right now, I’m working on an article that hopefully will get published.  It’s exciting yet scary.  It’s easier to stay where you are then to take that big leap into the unknown.  But whenever I get to that scary place, I remember that millions of people have already done what I’m doing, and they survived…even better than that is that they lived!

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