Whether it’s asking for a raise, a job, time off, or time alone, why are we so reluctant to ask for what we really need?
I’ve been thinking about this a lot. In the past, I debated whether to ask for more pay at a job and the fear nearly paralyzed me. Although I eventually gained the courage to ask, I wondered why we often avoid asking for what we want? Is the fear greater than our need?
Fear of Disappointment. I believe part of of our fear derives from past fears of rejection. When we were younger, we may have asked for something as small as a bike or as big as time with our parents only to end up being disappointed. Not asking may be a way to avoid reliving these hurt feelings.
Fear of Rejection. Whether it reminds us of our first heartbreak or loss of a job, when we ask for what we want and get turned down, it can feel like a rejection of who we are.
Feelings of Unworthiness. Sometimes we don’t ask because we think we don’t deserve it. Why should we for example, ask to live the life of our dreams? Who are we to do it when everyone else has to suck it up and slave away at their 9 to 5 jobs?
So what do we do when we feel unworthy, fear disappointment or rejection?
Stay positive. Negative thoughts and ruminating, makes facing your fears even more challenging. Instead try to tell yourself that getting rejecting by ___ is not a rejection of yourself and that in the end everything will turn out for the better. For affirmations, check out Wayne Dyer’s Motivational Affirmations taken from his book Excuses Begone! at Beliefnet.com.
Make it impersonal. Sometimes when we avoid asking for what we want, what we’re really afraid of is being judged or criticized for who we are. Remember that getting turned down for whatever it is (a date, job, etc.) has less do with us and more to with the individual. They may not like your writing style or your hairstyle, but someone else will. The best way to deal with this is to not take things personally.
Feeling Worthy. Remember that you are worthy of asking for what you want. You were born with the same rights, potential and possibilities as anyone else. You have every right to ask for what you want in life. And if you have trouble swallowing this one, think about someone you admire and then ask whether or not they deserve to ask the same question.
The only way to get what we want is to ask for it. Practicing these steps, learning to trust our instincts, and having faith, will help give us courage to ask the questions that will get us to our dreams.
