Posts tagged ‘Fear of rejection’

January 20th, 2010

What are your dreams telling you?

I awoke from another symbolic dream a few days ago. I was fleeing from fear. A fear with no shape, no specific face or form. It was a compilation of every man’s fear-snakes, gun shots, and dark shadows. A long corridor led me to a door. I ran with heart pounding, beads of sweat racing down my face and an intensity so strong that I felt it in my every being.

The door was a way out. I opened it and slammed it quickly. Although I could still hear the sounds of fear getting close, I suddenly felt safe. I took a brief look around the room to get some bearing of where I was.

It was a cluttered space filled to the brim with everything you could need to survive-a bed, shelves, TV, clothes, etc. I felt warm and comfortable there but it was also stifling. There were just two windows which were frosted so I couldn’t see out of them. I felt claustrophobic and had an immediate urge to leave so I opened the door. As soon as I did, I saw fear lurking in the hallways and the sound of it took my breath away. I closed the door again and woke up panting.

It took me a few minutes in this waking world to feel safe again. And another few to decipher this nightmare of a dream.

I realized that the room was my comfort zone. It was safe. It had everything I needed to survive. It was devoid of fear and it was comfortable there. But there was no room to breathe. I knew the instant that I fled to it that it was safe to stay where I was, but in order to grow and be free, I needed to step outside my comfort zone and face my fears.

The message? My dreams were telling me, “Wake up and get moving! The world is waiting for you to tackle those fears.”

I love how my dreams talk to me, reminding me that no matter how scary they are, choosing to face my fears rather than hide from them is integral to fully living life. In the end, I realized that I didn’t want to choose a safe, but stagnant life. I didn’t just want to survive. I wanted to thrive.

I think we all have dreams (awake and asleep) that define our destinies. What’s key is setting an intention to remember them and prepare for it by keeping a journal nearby. I think that if you’re open to it, your dreams will be the bridge connecting you to the life you’ve been dreaming of, the authentic life you’ve been searching for.

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November 30th, 2009

Feeling the Fear and Doing It Anyway

If you had the opportunity, would you do something you feared most? As I’m writing this, my stomach is in knots, turning like I’m sailing out to sea not sitting comfortably in my chair. Yet, I’m considering doing it.

There have been many times in my life when I had the chance to risk something great (like my pride) for something greater (self-confidence). Like the time I took a job giving speeches to hundreds of people even though the feeling of eyes staring back at me turns my cheeks hot and I hate talking in a group of 5 let alone 200. Yet, I did it anyway.

There were times in my life when I let fear wash over me. Like when I was 6 years old and I chickened out at my grandparent’s surprise wedding anniversary. I practiced my speech for days. I can still see the index cards in my sweaty hands. At the end I was supposed to sing Kermit’s, “Rainbow Connection” while my cousins played the piano and ukulele. I got to the mike and my voice failed me. My mom took me by the hand and I left the stage in defeat. I’ll never forget that moment.

Then there was the time I took an F for my elementary school class project because I was too afraid to give my presentation. I spent weeks planning for it and when the teacher called my name, I looked the other way.

Tonight I’m faced with another one of my greatest fears to risk being made a fool of on national TV. Yet, I’m going to do it anyway.

You might think I’m crazy or foolish. Who wants to stand out like sore thumb while people take cheap shots at me? You know what? I do. I want to do it not because I’m a masochist, but because I believe I’ll get something even bigger for the experience. The chance to stare fear down and do it anyway.

One point for the fearless fool, zero for the fear.

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June 29th, 2009

Fear of Asking for What You Want

Whether it’s asking for a raise, a job, time off, or time alone, why are we so reluctant to ask for what we really need?  

I’ve been thinking about this a lot.  In the past, I debated whether to ask for more pay at a job and the fear nearly paralyzed me.  Although I eventually gained the courage to ask, I wondered why we often avoid asking for what we want?  Is the fear greater than our need?

Fear of Disappointment.  I believe part of of our fear derives from past fears of rejection.  When we were younger, we may have asked for something as small as a bike or as big as time with our parents only to end up being disappointed.  Not asking may be a way to avoid reliving these hurt feelings.

Fear of Rejection.  Whether it reminds us of our first heartbreak or loss of a job, when we ask for what we want and get turned down, it can feel like a rejection of who we are.

Feelings of Unworthiness.  Sometimes we don’t ask because we think we don’t deserve it.  Why should we for example, ask to live the life of our dreams?  Who are we to do it when everyone else  has to suck it up and slave away at their 9 to 5 jobs?

So what do we do when we feel unworthy, fear disappointment or rejection?

Stay positive.  Negative thoughts and ruminating, makes facing your fears even more challenging.  Instead try to tell yourself that getting rejecting by ___ is not a rejection of yourself and that in the end everything will turn out for the better. For affirmations, check out Wayne Dyer’s Motivational Affirmations taken from his book Excuses Begone! at Beliefnet.com.

Make it impersonal.  Sometimes when we avoid asking for what we want, what we’re really afraid of is being judged or criticized for who we are.  Remember that getting turned down for whatever it is (a date, job, etc.) has less do with us and more to with the individual.  They may not like your writing style or your hairstyle, but someone else will.  The best way to deal with this is to not take things personally.

Feeling Worthy.  Remember that you are worthy of asking for what you want.  You were born with the same rights, potential and possibilities as anyone else.  You have every right to ask for what you want in life.  And if you have trouble swallowing this one, think about someone you admire and then ask whether or not they deserve to ask the same question.

The only way to get what we want is to ask for it.  Practicing these steps, learning to trust our instincts, and having faith, will help give us courage to ask the questions that will get us to our dreams.

Path

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